Dr. Sarah Friedman, a clinician in private practice in Manhattan, is the mother of a 21-year-old and twin 18-year-olds who are in the thick of applying to college. She has worked with high school and college age students for over 25 years and told us she has seen a significant rise in mental health disorders and distress among her students.
Federal data illustrates the toll the pandemic has taken on students’ mental health as well. This academic year, Dr. Friedman finally feels she is observing something of a return to a pre-COVID time, clinically speaking. “I’m starting to see a little more of ‘This boy doesn’t like me,’ or ‘My mom’s mean to me.’ It’s such a relief.”
But the issue of parental involvement—always a source of tension between parents and students in the college process—has intensified.
Why are parents getting more involved?
The change to a test-optional admissions environment and the seemingly arbitrary nature of admissions decisions has eroded trust in institutions, and some parents feel they need to be more involved in their kid’s educational decision-making. Many also don’t realize how much pressure they sometimes inadvertently put on their children about getting into the ‘right’ school.
LogicPrep’s holistic approach to the college process can help families by removing from the household some of constant, albeit unproductive dialogue (in other words, that nagging or arguing we’re all familiar with) around college, so parents can focus with their children on the things that matter.
What can you do to support your child?
Create a safe space for conversation.
“As parents, we need to create a safe space for conversation, a safe space to really, really listen to our kids and go on the journey with them.” If they say, as one of Dr. Friedman’s sons did, “I only want to look at schools with over 10,000 students,” she had to resist the urge to steer him to a smaller school where she thought he’d be happier. Her husband said, “We’re just going to go with it,” and after visiting some big schools, her son is now applying to smaller schools as well.
Follow their lead.
“Follow your child—be curious instead of directive,” says Dr. Friedman. “Tell yourself, and really believe, that wherever they are they’ll be fine.” She tells her students, “I got into Columbia, Tufts and Brandeis. I picked Brandeis because people said ‘hi’ to me on visiting day.”
Remind them—and yourself!—that this decision is not the end-all be-all.
Jennie Kramer, MSW, LCSW-R, CEDS is the Founder and Executive Director of Metro Behavioral Health Associates in Scarsdale and NYC.
She told us, “In the many years I've been doing this, what I have learned is that where one chooses to attend college is in fact not the most important decision they will ever make in their lives (as they are often led to believe or decide on their own). The idea that this decision better be a good one and it better be correct, or the trajectory of their lives will be unsteady, is simply untrue. How can we expect a 17- to 18-year-old, whose brain is not yet fully formed, to know what they want or wish decades down the line?”
Set realistic and flexible expectations.
Parental message is key, says Jennie. “You can say, ‘Wherever you go you will make your mark and do good things; and by the way, take this a month at a time, a semester at a time, and we’ll see how it goes.’ Nothing is irreversible.”
Jennie explains, “Acceptance of one’s choices or situations is quite different from resignation or submission. It is truly understanding this is the reality of the situation, that it can’t be any other way than what it is in this moment, and staying curious about what’s next. We most often have choices.”
We make many important decisions in life, but sometimes shifts in thinking, or priorities, or needs, require a change in direction.
Tennis champion Naomi Osaka, whose courage in taking steps to protect her mental wellbeing has inspired many of her fans, said:
“I don’t think there’s a perfectly correct path to take in life, but I always felt that if you move forward with good intentions, you’ll find your way eventually.”
Maybe we should all take that message to heart.